Life isn’t Consistent

As I write to you from the belly of the beast, I’d like to apologize to those of you who have enjoyed the consistency with which I’d written on this site in the past. As some of you may have noticed, this site has moved from whenever inspiration strikes to Bella XO. 

I will not delete my old posts because that would be like deleting my past, and we all know that we can’t change the past.

For any of you who were wondering, yes, my name is Bella.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been flooded with work and up to my heels in drama. I’m happy for the entertainment; I’ve always been someone who enjoys change. Every second I didn’t spend working, I was hanging out with my friends. There was no time left for writing. I did find a little time to draw, though. I like drawing when I can’t sort out my feelings. I won this coloring book in a raffle and I hope to eventually finish the sheet you see in today’s header. Because I don’t know what else to say, I will leave you with this.

As the days get colder, I try harder not to let go. I start to focus more on my past. My commitment issues and social anxiety wrap me up like a blanket even when I forget to wear a coat. I keep drawing and praying and letting my head get the best of me. I try to sleep it off and avoid work at all costs. One of my friends can’t stop changing his mind about me, and another guy opens up about what he’s done to me. I don’t know who I have feelings for and I doubt the way I thought that I felt about anyone. I hide behind my black nail polish and subtle eyeliner. I wear my favorite coat and make excuses to cover for things I’ve said. I avoid saying anything I have to hold on to. But I’m curious. I itch to talk and ask questions and I think about what people say to me. But I don’t speak. I write it all down. I make lists and lists of goals I’ll never achieve. I’m confused about what I want. The more I think ab0ut it, the crazier I get. It’s only October and I’m already giving up. But I don’t want to this time. I want to change. I want to fight. But if we can’t count on other people to change, how can we count on ourselves to change? I’ve never been an optimist but I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve never been eccentric but I’ve always been something people don’t expect. I don’t want people to expect things from me—so I don’t let them. I need more time to think, but time’s never been on my side. Life goes on without me, behind all of the walls people put up. I explore different ways to get in and end up farther and farther away.

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