Wishing on a Star // Writing Prompt: Entry 5

Today’s prompt is: What do I wish for the most? This is a selfish question in my opinion. At first glance, you will think of items you’ve been longing for. But because that’s not what I’m usually focused on, it is something I’d actually have to think about. When I read this question, it tells me to dig deeper and unveil my personal goals.

For my first magical genie wish, I wish that something in my life would be constant. Friends don’t stay; Boys don’t stay; My happiness never stays. I simply want a friend who will be there for me when I need them, someone who I really feel like I can trust. Some might say that the best people are standing right in front of me but because I’m too busy looking for something else, I take them for granted. Well sorry life, but there aren’t that many people in front of me. The closest gal pal I’ve got is so flaky she should be a saltine! Our friendship has become one-sided. Message to her: Sometimes I need some help too. Also, please stop being so moody. The closest guy friend I have is my best gal friend’s boyfriend. She controls that relationship because if I get too close to him, she will get jealous (she is already trying to get me to stay away). I just want someone I can talk to and maybe a group of friends who I can hang with and won’t try to leave me for the next best thing. Is that too much to ask?

I also wish for more good days. Yesterday I came home feeling fulfilled. Classes went well and my friends made me feel at home. Of course, these are friends that I’m not extremely close to, so their comfort only goes so far. I need to learn to create stronger relationships. On most days I become too stressed and depressed to focus on the positive aspects of the time being. Certain moments in the day will continuously play in my head and I struggle to keep the negativity away.

I wish that I could stop procrastinating and start achieving my goals. Because of my hectic schedule and absolute inability to focus on a task for more than 30 minutes, trying to plan ahead and actually move forward in my tasks seems impossible. I have gone as far as to plan my own “Steps to Success”, but I have only completed one or two of the insignificant tasks from this list of mini-goals. I am an organized person I swear, I just need to get my head straightened out.

My final wish is that I will stop torturing myself. I always feel insignificant and as though I will never get what I want. The real problem with my life is that while I am so busy filling the needs of other people and keeping up with the organizations I’m in, I have no time for myself. My mental health continues fluctuating and it’s because my doubts overwhelm me and make me doubt my friends, my abilities, and myself. This also forces me to analyze every word I say and, naturally, decrease the number of words I say overall. Over the last month, my stutter has come to a breaking point. It is usually a small quirk that only reveals itself when I begin thinking or speaking too fast. Nowadays, it comes out in regular conversations between my friends and me.

Two months ago I started this prompt with the simple intention of putting myself out there. I don’t post my prompt answers often, but today is as good a day as any to share more of myself with you. As usual, I hope you enjoyed reading my post.

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